How to convince your narcissist spouse to go to Therapy
Being in a relationship with a narcissist has to be one of the most emotionally draining situations anyone can be in.
If your partner is a narcissist, it can be challenging to get them to do anything. From calling you names to standing you up on dates, pulling away from family functions, and generally not just being present.
Naturally, people with this kind of behavioral disorder often don’t just want counseling or therapy, and they refuse any help at all because they feel they are better than everyone else and therefore don’t need therapy.
Who is a narcissist?
A narcissist is someone who lacks empathy. They usually have an inflated sense of self, and they tend to feel superior to others. They have a sense of entitlement and tend to exploit and manipulate other people.
A narcissist has the ability to make you doubt your sense of worth and value by minimizing your feelings.
How to recognize a narcissist
The truth is that most of the time, we see these little toxic traits, and we know that this person is suffering from a narcissistic disorder, but we chose to ignore them because of the level of love-bombing from our partners.
And that on its own is a sign of narcissistic behavior in your partner you must not ignore.
They always play the victim:
They turn every situation, both good and bad to be about them and turn it around to make you look shitty.
Narcissists struggle to accept responsibility for their behavior, you will find them blaming, denying, avoiding, and believing they are blameless and that whatever the situation is has everything to do with their partner and nothing to do with them.
They will act so hurt or betrayed that someone could easily think it wasn’t their fault, to begin with.
They are the best gaslighters:
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that seeks to make the other party feel like they are overreacting and exaggerating situations.
Narcissists lack the ability to take responsibility for their own actions, and inactions. So what they do instead is seek to shame and blame others in order to dodge the bad feelings.
They project their fears and insecurities on you and manipulate you into feeling guilty or ashamed.
They will also make you feel like you are remembering things wrong and you are wrong for reacting the way you did.
You then find yourself apologizing because the truth is at this point, you will not even remember what you were fighting about in the first place, all that is in your mind is a sense of guilt and regret about what you should and should not have said.
The most worrisome thing about people who have partners that are gaslighters is that everyone sees these traits in them except the person in question.
“Love is blind right”?
They do not respect your boundaries:
Narcissists naturally lack empathy, therefore, it is almost impossible for them to regard your boundaries or how you feel.
They always feel they need to be in control, and boundaries do not let them exercise such power over you or the relationship, so you will find out countless times that your boundaries are being crossed and when you confront them about it, they get defensive and make it seem like you are the problem.
What you can do to help your narcissist spouse?
So now that you have seen all these signs, do any of them seem familiar?
If yes, chances are that you are with a narcissistic partner.
Sometimes it is easier said than actually done to tell someone to leave their narcissistic partner.
At the end of the day, is entirely up to you to decide what you actually want for yourself, and if you decide to stay, how then can you convince your partner to seek help?
The average narcissist will hardly be able to bring themselves to admit that they actually have a problem.
When starting a family, they may withdraw even more into some sort of fantasy world where they could have everything perfect and never any problems.
You might have already tried talking to them about the issue but have still been accused of being unreasonable when you asked your partner to start taking steps towards why their personality was so hurtful to them and others in their life.
So now you’re considering approaching them about getting help because aside from being unbearable in person, you don’t think it’s healthy for them at all if they won’t get help themselves.
1. Pay Attention:
You must pay attention to know that they are actually willing to help themselves, all efforts will prove abortive. After all, what is the point of going to therapy if the other party is not willing, honest, and open-minded to learn and unlearn and put into practice all that they are told in therapy.
2. Communicate:
Be open to having honest conversations with your partner in the calmest way possible and let them understand how their actions and behavior is affecting you and the relationship, then you can go ahead to suggest that you both seek help as a couple.
In doing this, you must desist from playing the blame game or imposing and also be willing to acknowledge the times when you may have consciously wronged them as well.
3. Do not threaten them:
While it may seem convenient to threaten to leave them, get a divorce, take your children away from them, or any other form of threat, it is not helpful.
While some people may be lucky enough to get away with it and succeed in getting their partners to therapy, chances are that they may not be open-minded or even honest enough with you or the therapist, and you will find out that precious resources and time has gone to waste.
Conclusion: It is important to understand that you do not have the capacity to change anybody as this narcissistic behavior is something that grew in your partner from childhood and it is not your fault, however, if you are willing to remain in the relationship, it is essential to work with a professional therapist who will help both of you establish healthy boundaries.
Therapy requires intentionality, effort, and commitment, and your partner must be willing to put in the work to be better, and it is important for you on the other hand to be patient with them in this process, it is a process because you may not necessarily see drastic changes, but you should be able to celebrate, and encourage them when they make little progress.
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ROSEMARY POWELL, MS, LMFT
Psychotherapist | Marriage & Family Therapist
