Dear Therapist: How can Therapy help me get over my toxic ex
Study proves that most toxic relationships never started as unhealthy most of them were the happiest and perfect examples of a healthy relationship, that one will be forced to ask “how did we get here” ???
And that is why victims find it hard to heal from this situation, because of the psychological effect the relationship has cost them.
Hence to victims like this, it is difficult to just say, “walk out of the relationship”, it is a lot deeper than that.
Breakup is tough to deal with, breaking up from a toxic ex or relationship can be the worst, because now you do not just have to deal with your emotions, you have to deal with the mental, psychological and physical pain and strain that that relationship may have caused you.
Why do people stay in Toxic Relationships?
Now you may be wondering, why would anyone want to stay in a relationship that is toxic, why don’t you just walk away right?
Well, the unfortunate reality of situations of people in toxic relationships is that everyone else sees it except them, and even when they see it, they choose to look the other way, for several reasons.
Some of these reasons that can highly influence a victim to stay in a toxic relationship are the following:
- Love bombing
- Trauma bonding
- The fear of the unknown.
Love Bombing:
Love Bombing is a form of psychological manipulation where the toxic partner showers you with excessive love, care, and affection.
Truth is love bombing feels good, anyone will want to be showered with love, care, and attention, have their needs met, taken on fancy dates and dinners, taken on expensive trips to countries of their choice and every other thing you want will be done just so you stay happy.
I mean who wouldn’t want that, I for one would love that, because I am one hell of a traveler (smiles)
So for a fact, love bombing feels so good, so good, yet so dangerous.
This is because you will get so deeply attached to this person and even when they start being manipulative, you no longer see it because you have been blinded and bombarded with excess love. You find yourself starting to make excuses for them and their excesses.
Trauma Bonding:
This is a form of bonding in a romantic relationship that is based on a repetitive history of psychological or physical abuse that makes you naturally drawn to your abuser.
This is a result of the excessive love-bombing from the abuser. And it goes on in the circles of Love-bombing, Disvalue, Discard, and repeat. When it gets to the point where they discard, you will crave the excessive love they were giving which will make you stick around, but the circle repeats over and over.
And your psych gets used to receiving this kind of behavior as love.
The Fear of the Unknown:
You have portrayed your idea of a perfect relationship to your friends, family, and the world in some cases, and you get scared of what people will think and how they will perceive you.
Also because you are scared you will never find someone to love you again the way they supposedly loved you.
Now to the big question, How can Therapy help you get over your Toxic ex?
1.Therapy addresses the root of the problem:
Therapy does not just aim at addressing problems from their surface, but seeks to address them from their very root.
Therefore, therapy will help you break down your trauma and help you understand why you stayed that love in that unhealthy relationship. Whether as a result of childhood trauma, lack of affection and love growing up, or any other issue that must have built up
2. It allows you to express yourself:
Therapy provides a safe space where you get to express yourself in ways you may have never done before. It helps you unwrap, unwind and just release the tension and the burden.
It helps you feel safe, seen, heard, and understood.
3. It helps you see the best version of yourself:
Therapy teaches you to accept and embrace your authentic self more and start to see the best version of yourself that may have been hidden under the wings of your toxic ex.
4. Therapy teaches you self-love:
Therapy teaches you to accept yourself, after acceptance, you start your process of self-discovery and start to love yourself even more.
It helps you realize that you must love yourself the way you want to be loved and even more and this will help you set standards and boundaries to what you define love and the kind of people that will have access to your space.
5. Therapy helps bring closure:
Closure is very important to get over any toxic relationship. You have questions to ask, things to get off your chest, and a lot of things need to be understood before one can get the courage to move on, and therapy creates the space to get those things off your chest and answer those questions to resolve and address any form of pain, shame, bitterness that may have built up during the relationship
Conclusion: It’s okay if you are struggling to get over a breakup with a toxic ex. It’s a normal emotion for all the reasons we have explained and more, and no one deserves to go through that alone.
It is very important to surround yourself with as much love and support as you can get from family and friends, and more importantly seek the help of a professional therapist who is interested and invested in your healing process. And will cheer you on all through your pathway to healing.
Are you looking for a professional therapist who will help you all through your pathway to healing and seeking closure? Contact me @comfortcirclemft@gmail.com and I’ll help you the rest of the way.
ROSEMARY POWELL, MS, LMFT
Psychotherapist | Marriage & Family Therapist
